Fickle Heart (Episode 1 - Crush Maniac)

General story by T-Ralph

T-RalphT-Ralph
Fickle Heart

Episode 1 - Crush Maniac

It was a week to the commencement of examinations, John was returning from the library with his best friend Benjamin as they met Cindy, a classmate of theirs, on her way to the library. While she was still afar off, John had sighted her. She was always easy to notice because of her likeness for the colours red and pink. She was always wearing either red or pink shoes and tops, with her brightly colored red or pink lips. In days when she decided not to use her usual red or pink lipstick, her deeply coloured red lips did the job for her. This time, her lips were pink-coloured and her shoes were pink, so also was her hand bag carrying her books. Some ...

Know your Ten Commandments

General story by T-Ralph

T-RalphT-Ralph
Henry, who was very elderly, was unhappy because he had lost his favourite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the entrance porch when the worshippers were busy praying.

When Henry arrived at the church an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on 'The Ten Commandments.'

After the service, Henry met the vicar in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him, 'I want to thank you Father for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I
decided against it.'

The vica ...

Funny Church Announcements

General story by T-Ralph

T-RalphT-Ralph
1. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of Roderick James Hillman, the sin of Revd. and Mrs. Hillman.

2. For those of you who have children - and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

http://www.guy-sports.com/jokes/clean_religious_jokes.htm ...
T-RalphT-Ralph
Seen on the notice board of a church:
Try heeling our services. (Try our healing services?)
You won't get better.


Charity Begins at Church

After the church service, seven year old Brian said to the preacher: 'When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money.'
'Well, thank you, 'the preacher replied, 'but why?'
'Because my daddy says that you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had.'

http://www.guy-sports.com/jokes/clean_religious_jokes.htm ...

Wake-up Call

General story by T-Ralph

T-RalphT-Ralph
Early one Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. 'Wake up, son. It's time to go to Church!'

'But why, Mother? I don't want to go.'

'Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.'
'Well, one they all hate me at Church, and two the sermons are boring!'

'Those are not good reason for not to going to Church. Get up and get ready.'

'Give me two reasons why I should go to Church.'

'Well, for one, you're 55 years old. And for another, you're the Pastor!'

http://www.guy-sports.com/jokes/clean_christian_jokes.htm ...
T-RalphT-Ralph
Big Dave seemed to always fall asleep during the Sunday sermon. His wife, Martha, was fed up and decided to deal with the embarrassing situation.

The next Sunday when he fell asleep, she quietly removed some pungent Roquefort cheese from a bag in her purse and passed it under his nose.

Groggily startled, Big Dave blurted out, 'No, Martha, no, please don't kiss me now.'

http://www.guy-sports.com/jokes/clean_christian_jokes.htm ...

Martin Takes the Bait?

General story by T-Ralph

T-RalphT-Ralph
Martin arrived at Sunday school late. Miss Walter, his teacher, knew that Martin was usually very punctual so she asked him if anything was wrong.

Martin replied no, that he had been going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.
Miss Walter was very impressed and asked the lad if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing?

Martin replied, 'Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.'

http://www.guy-sports.com/jokes/clean_christian_jokes.htm ...

Christian home

General story by T-Ralph

T-RalphT-Ralph
After the Baptism of his baby brother in church, little Denis sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, Denis replied, 'That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys.'

http://www.guy-sports.com/jokes/clean_christian_jokes.htm ...

The Lord's Army

General story by T-Ralph

T-RalphT-Ralph
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the vicar was standing at the door, as he always was, to shake hands with the worshippers. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The vicar said to him, 'You need to join the army of the Lord.'

My friend replied, 'I'm already in the army of the Lord, Father.'

So the vicar enquired, 'Then how come I don't see you except at Christmas and at Easter?'

My friend whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'

http://www.guy-sports.com/jokes/clean_christian_jokes.htm ...

The Hand of God

General story by T-Ralph

T-RalphT-Ralph
Little Philip was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in infant school. His grandmotherndecided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother commented, 'Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?'

'Yes, 'replied Philip, 'God did it and he did it left handed.'

This confused his grandmother so she asked him, 'What makes you say God did this with his left hand?' 'Well, 'said Philip, 'we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand ...

Charity Begins at Home?

General story by T-Ralph

T-RalphT-Ralph
A large, well built man visited the vicarage and asked to see the vicar's wife, who was well known for her charity.

As he spoke to her he said in a voice breaking with emotion, 'I'd like to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are
about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone pays their £400 rent arrears.'

'How frightful!' exclaimed the vicar's wife. 'May I ask who you are?'

The enormous visitor wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and wailed, 'I'm their landlord.'

http ...

Miracle? Water to wine

General story by T-Ralph

T-RalphT-Ralph
Father O'Malley was driving down to Boston when got stopped for speeding in Medford. The highway patrol officer smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He said, 'Father, have you been drinking?'

'Only water', replied Father O'Malley.

The policeman asked, 'Then how come I can smell wine?'

The priest looked at the bottle and said, 'Good Lord! He's done it again.'

http://www.guy-sports.com/jokes/clean_christian_jokes.htm ...

A Comic Fishing Tale

General story by T-Ralph

T-RalphT-Ralph
One day a Catholic an Anglican and a Methodist decided to go fishing. They got in their boat and rowed their way over to the middle of the lake.

The Catholic remarked, 'I've forgotten my hat,' so he got up, got out of the boat and walked across the water.

He returned and the Anglican said, 'I've forgotten the fishing bait,' so he got up, climbed out of the boat and walked across the water.

He came back and the Methodist murmured, 'I've forgotten the beer.' He got up, jumped out of the boat and was standing in the water then he sank.

The Anglican turned to the Catholic and asked, 'Do you think we ought to tell him were the stepping ...
T-RalphT-Ralph
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me,' said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St Peter to a mansion. It had everything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

'Oh my word, thank you,' said the taxi driver. Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rough old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up,' said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.&# ...

Board Meeting

General story by T-Ralph

T-RalphT-Ralph
'There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service,' announced Reverend Morris.

After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of church for the announced meeting. However, there was a stranger in their midst. He was a visitor who had never attended their church before.

'My friend,' asked Reverend Morris, 'did you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?'

'Oh, yes,' came the rejoinder from the visitor, 'and after that sermon, I'm about as bored as you can get.'

http://www.guy-sports.com/months/funny_christian_jokes.htm ...

Who is the Fool?

General story by T-Ralph

T-RalphT-Ralph
Father George was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: 'Fool'.

The following Sunday, in church, Father George announced to the assembled congregation, 'I have known many people who have written letters to me and forgotten to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his
name and had forgotten to write a letter.'

http://www.guy-sports.com/months/funny_christian_jokes.htm ...

Ring a Bell?

General story by T-Ralph

T-RalphT-Ralph
Father John is walking down the street one day when he notices a Nathan, a very small boy, trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, Nathan is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, Father John moves closer to Nathan's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to Nathan's level, Father John smiles benevolently and asks, 'And now what, my little man?' To which Nathan replies with a beaming grin, 'Now we run! ...

Unusual Burial

General story by T-Ralph

T-RalphT-Ralph
A recently ordained priest, Father Henry, was to hold his first ever graveside burial service at a pauper's cemetery for an destitute man with no family or friends.

Father Henry, not knowing where the cemetery was, made several wrong turns and got lost.

He eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the spade was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.

Father Henry, being a reliable young priest went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Feeling guilty because of his lateness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in considerable style.

As the ...

Today's Hymn

General story by T-Ralph

T-RalphT-Ralph
Reverend Clive Morgan was completing his homily in St John's Church about the dangers of alcohol and the need for moderation and temperance.

He announced at the end of the sermon in a loud, clear voice, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.' With even greater emphasis he added, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.' Finally, he intoned in an extremely serious manner, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.'

The Reverend Morgan then sat down. Jerry, St John's leading chorister stood up and announced with a ...